#MeToo

This morning while watching loose woman I’ve seen the caption “ Will #MeToo change how we discuss sexual harassment “

And I pray to god it does because I have been there and I never want another woman/ young girl or a male  to go threw the same thing I went to,

I tried to find it and put it to the back of my mind but seeing this all over the tv, it brings it all back so here it goes, I’ll speak out if it helps others speak out, 

Speak out, it is not your fault, no-one is going to blame you I promise

When I was 15 years of age I was sexual assaulted by a man in his 20s, he locked me in his car in a public car park and people walked by, as I was screaming for help.

“I wasn’t asking for it” and it wasn’t how I was dressed I was covered up with leggings and a body warmer on,

I wasn’t drugged and I wasn’t drunk

I was scared and I didn’t know what to do, I never told anyone what happened until months later because I felt like it was all my fault and that i was asking for it, I went to court and he was found not guilty even though the police had prof and he admitted what he done in the video interview, 

But he still walks free and the thing that scares me the most to the point he is free and walking amongst young girls and boys and woman, if he got away with one attack he may do it again but worst thinking he will get away with it again

It’s been three years now and I can still smell him on me, I still wake up screaming and I still freak out when my other half places his hand on my thigh or randomly hugs me from behind but I’ve got better the last few years,

So I guess this is me speaking out to help others speak out, and if anyone needs to talk I will listen ❤️💙

Advertisements

Mental health

Today 10-10-2017 it’s mental health day, 

I don’t really talk about my mental health so someone people don’t see it as an illness but today is a day to raise awareness and if this post can help someone speak out then it’s worth it because I have been there and the light is at the end of the tunnel please keep going

As someone who has suffered with depression for many years I had become dependent on pills, I have self harmed, I have bit, I have cut and I have got many piercings to have that moment where you feel numb just to take away everything you have been feeling, I have been dependent on sleeping pills just so I could sleep, I have been dependent on fluoxetine and citalopram to the point that now they don’t work, 

As someone who suffered with panic attacks and anxiety to the point that even the thought of leaving the house would send me into meltdown and cause panic attacks, to the point I would lock myself in my room when people would come round because being around people would make me feel sick.

As someone who suffered with an eating disorder to the point I would feed the cat my food so everyone thought I was eating, that I went from 9stone to 6 stone in a matter of months , the only thing I would eat was ox cubes & half of a cube was my daily limit, as I had to have soup for a month just to be able to eat again,

As someone who suffers from post-natal depression, notice I never said suffered cause I still have post-natal depression, but I’m getting better slowly but surely, and it’s not a matter of waking up tomorrow and thinking “oh I feel better now” because it doesn’t work like that if only it did

I still have days/weeks/months where I don’t brush my hair,where I don’t eat and where I just don’t want to get out bed

But I know the warning signs now and I know when I need to see my doctor,

When I told people for the first time I had one person say “ but you don’t look ill”

And from that moment I realised that not all wounds are visible, and when I walk down the street 5/10 people could be suffering with mental health but they put on this face for the public.

I have been to the point in life when taking your life seems like the only way to get out and I guess in a way it isn’t, yes it takes the pain away from you but it gives it to someone else, after my first hospital stay for well that reason above someone said to me “suicide is not the answer, it may seem like it will take the pain away but it doesn’t it will pass it on to your love ones and it shall create a never ending cycle “ this is the reason I got better that woman in the hospital who had just lost her own child she is the reason I am breathing today 

My uncle sadly took his own life because he never spoke out and as I was young I never realised why he wouldn’t be coming back until I got older and then it hit me the signs I saw in myself are the same of what my uncle went though and I think back to what the lady said “ it shall create a never ending cycle” and I wonder if my uncle knew that would he of took his life? Or would the pain of living be unbearable for him

If your reading this please know things do get better, you are worth more than you know and someone out there loves you deeply, yes getting better is hard but I believe in you and if you ever need anyone to talk to please I am here

It is perfectly ok to admit you are not ok

We will stand together and we will come out on top 

When “I”  is replaced with “WE” even illness becomes wellness

Speak out ❤️❤️

What’s broken can be fixed

What’s hurt can be healed 

And no matter how dark it gets the sun will rise again

Nights in

I never got the big 18th birthday party, I was pregnant, the best I got was meal to Nando’s( as that would the only meal out I could actually keep down ).Completely different to the huge party I have been planning since I was 16.

Me and the girls all planned to go hide out festival, Ibiza and all the other summer party’s but that never happened.

I haven’t actually had my first clubbing experience,

While all my friends are out having fun in clubs and pubs and in the party islands 

I’m at home with a baby, I could get a baby sitter and go out for the night but no-one asks me anymore, I always get the oh we would of asked you but we didn’t know if you could get a baby sitter…

I lay in bed while my child is asleep watching everyone’s snapchat/Instagram stories of them out and having fun, in the mornings I will see the photos from the night before. I lay here and wish I got an abortion, I wish I lived my life a little, I wish I got to make memories, my life was over before it even began. 

I wanna go out and see the world but what when I remember how good it felt to only worry about myself and no-one else, what if I remember what it was like not to make bottles and change nappies? 

I went out once to the pub only down the road I could still see my house from one of the windows of the pub, I cried when it was time to go home to my life of looking after a child.

Maybe one day I will go out again but the real question is will I return home ?

Noise with dirt on

I would love to sit here and say the gender disappointment has gone but it really hasn’t,

I still struggle on saying the words my son…

I still stand in the girls section and feel my heart breaking all over again like the day I found out I won’t be having a girl.

The jealousy creeps in when you see everyone you knowing having girls and you know in your heart and soul your little girl would of been dressed so much prettier than how they dress there’s.

My other halves uncle & wife are due a baby girl in a few weeks time and although I should feel happy for them as it has took 10 years for them to have a baby and so many rounds of failed ivf i can’t help but feel the jealousy they get to have a daughter and I’m here with a boy

I get compliments on how I dress my child all the time and I should feel greatful that people like how his dressed but I always think in the back of my mind as I smile a say thanks “if his was a girl I would get so many more compliments on how lovely she looks”

I always dreamed about having the matching mother and daughter outfits, 

If one more persons tells me there always next time I may go insane, as this is someone answer for when you say you hate the fact you are the mother of a boy, I have a son not a daughter, I will spend my days cleaning dirt not glitter,

Instead of playing dress up I will be getting footballs out of trees, while everyone I know will be sitting in dance class I’ll be in the boxing ring, as my boyfriend and his family are old fashioned traveller men and women they all believe my child should act like a man he must do boyish things like football and boxing… so think of me while I’m standing in the rain watching 22 boys kick a ball on a field while you can sit in dance class or go shopping for pretty little outfits. Think of me when you take your girl to get her ears pierced I shall be choosing another pair of football boots or boxing gloves, think of me when you first by a pair of princess heels and a dolly.

Think of me,

I always get told there’s always next time but after finding out my other half will be locked up for 10 years ( all because he was in a car with his stupid friend ) ( hopefully the appeal can see his not guilty ) I don’t think there will be a next time.

It is just me and my child for the next few years & I can’t help but think things would of been better if he was a girl, as the bond would be there,

Will this feeling ever go away, will I ever love my son ? 

Dear monster in law

Dear monster in law;

I know I’m not married to your son but I might as well be, I am the one who he goes to when he needs fixed. I am the one that holds him when he can not hold himself, I visit him every week come rain or shine.

He is and will always be my love, I may not be the person who you thought he would want to be with but well here I am.

During my pregnancy you slated me to everyone calling me every name under the sun, telling everyone I need a DNA test as that child is not your sons, I’m a trapper and I’m this and I’m that. The list can go on and on of the horrible things you said

Now I’ve had my baby and his beautiful, and the double of your son, you go round telling everyone, oh don’t he look like my boy, that girl is a bitch she won’t let me see him, I’ve brought this and that for him, I just wanna see my grandson.

Because of you I’ve got people telling me to let you see my child and I’m being unfair, but wasn’t you the one who told me to get rid of him and said you would throw me down the stairs?

Your son wants you to see our baby but I’m the one that has to give up my pride and go to a woman that caused me so much stress in my pregnancy, unfair right? 

I am the one who will have to sit with a woman who has said all of these horrible things to me , to make her and my boyfriend happy ? But what about me does it not matter if I am happy?

My son is 11 weeks you have not once messaged me to ask me can you meet him, you want me to do the running?

Nor has any of your family members messaged me to see my son, but you all run around telling everyone that I’m a bitch for not letting you see my child 

After all of you screaming you won’t have anything to do with him, that he is not your family and you will not accept him , what has changed? What made you change your mind? 

Gender disappointment 

The question everyone wants to an answer to “what do you want a boy or a girl” every single pregnant woman must reply back with ” I don’t mind as long as baby is healthy” 

What we don’t actually tell people is we have a gender in our heads from the moment we find out we’re pregnant 

We have their clothes picked out, along with the name and all other things

I am one of ten mothers that will get “gender disappointment” and god forgive if you tell anyone about it 

  • Be happy you can have children

  • His healthy that’s all that matters

  • His dads happy to have a son

  • Stop feeling so ungrateful  

The worst one is ” but that’s not a real thing how can anyone be disappointed in a gender of a baby ”

I felt like I needed to tell my story of gender disappointment for others struggling with no-one to talk to because ” your ungrateful ” you are not alone and it is a real thing that should be talked about more !

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️

My baby wasn’t planned but I came to terms with becoming a young mum. Once I came to terms with being pregnant I longed for a little girl with bows & dresses.

Her name was picked and I would not wait to meet my princess.

All the old wives was telling me girl, everything I was given was for a girl but one lady gave me a photo frame ( birthday boy my 1st birthday) I guess that was a sign out of everything pink and pretty there was a blue photo frame looking me dead in the eye.

When people would look at my bump and say”mmm I guess it’s going to be a boy” I would scream and tell them there wrong it’s a little girl but oh how I was wrong

My boyfriend said from day one he wants a little boy, I would laugh and say nope gonna have a little princess

When the 20 week scan came I was outside the room adding little dresses into my shopping basket I must of had 1000 bows and socks with bows to match ready to go once I had confirmation she’s a little girl, they still wait in my basket.

I heard my name be called as I walked into the room I heard my boyfriend say I bet his a boy, shut up don’t be stupid,

My mum and his aunt waited outside I heard them both say I bet it’s a boy. 

As I lay waiting for the lady to tell me I’m having a girl she asked us what we hoped for without thinking I said a little girl and my boyfriend said a boy

As the scan went on I lay there wondering what my daughter would look like.

“Aw look at his little face” the lady said but she tried to say she said this.

She then went to scan in between the legs and there it was it legs wide open with a little willy… ” it’s a boy” 

My boyfriends face lit up with a huge smile, I wanted to cry.

Once out of the room my mum and his aunt were dying to know what we was having

I walked off I didn’t wanna tell anyone I was the mother of a son…

After that everyone took my boyfriend to the pub to celebrate him getting his son… but what about me ? What do I have to celebrate? My daughter is dead, 

My mum, nan and little sister took me shopping to buy little boy outfits, but I didn’t wanna see blue I wanted pink, I stood and cried in the girls area & walked out the shop, I didn’t wanna buy anything blue, my son doesn’t own anything blue till this day.

The joy I finally got in my pregnancy was gone with three words”it’s a boy” 

Everyone asked for a scan photo on facebook 

Stupid me put ” can’t wait to find out if it’s gonna be pink or blue” three hours before hand 

I had planned for a gender reveal balloon to be done at my baby shower but my baby shower never happened I didn’t want anyone knowing I am the mother of a son.

I posted a photo on facebook instead, with no words just a photo of the babies face

Roll on the come on what are you having comments 

My boyfriends sister posted it all over facebook she’s getting a nephew… great everyone now knows I am the mother of a son…

While everyone I know is pregnant or had little girls I am stuck with a son 

People say you can always try again but what if it’s another boy? No-one thinks about that one.
I would like to say it will past and it gets easier but for me it hasn’t 

I hate the fact I am the mother of a son 

I am not a mother

if i had a pound for every time someone told me any of the following i would be rich

  • “You had a c-section it doesn’t count”  your not a mum you had a c-section, “your just jealous you had a c-section and i had natural, “you took the easy way out”

people remind me daily i have not given birth,

if you asked me at 24 weeks pregnant what my birth plan was it was 100% not to have a c-section, i had my heart set on a water birth, oh how i wanted a water birth

to be told at 28 weeks my baby is breech i knew the c-section was coming

the ugly scar that will be with me for life now just so i could bring life into the world.

so this post goes out to all the women that say i am not a mother because of my scar and that i took the easy way out,

the easy way is natural while i was in a hospital bed unable to walk or deal to my baby as i couldn’t get out of bed to deal with baby many of my friends who have had natural were out of hospital in the park and walking around,

while natural moan that it hurts to pee for a few days, it hurt to stand for two weeks, while natural lose the baby weight in days mine is there 10 weeks on, while natural you are healed in a few weeks you no longer hurt, my scar still plays me up 10 weeks on,

Tell me about your bond ? I bet it’s amazing because my bond hasn’t come yet , while natural mothers say the bond was there straight away mine was not.

My scar is not hid about, it is there for all to see

It still hurts to sit up some days 

But I am not a mother for I haven’t actually gave birth