How did I end up here?

At seventeen I found out I was going to be a mum.I remember seeing two lines on the pregnancy test.

Everyone says that moment when you see them two lines you wanna sing with joy and them two simple words “I’m pregnant ” mean the world to you

But them two simple words never meant the world to me, they meant my life was over

I locked myself in the toilet and cried and asking myself how did I end up here ? Until someone came knocking asking what’s wrong

“Oh it’s nothing” but it wasn’t nothing, it was something, something I never wanted to do for another ten years

A month past and I told no-one, I put it to the back of my mind, out of sight out of mind right?, I made myself believe it was all a dream or just a missed period , I would google “what can a missed period mean other than pregnancy”
10 positive tests later, I guessed I had to come to terms with the fact I’m pregnant, but after weeks of telling myself I’m not it was hard facing facts

After weeks of hiding the fact I’m pregnant I told my boyfriend, his face said it all the dreaded look of disappointment, like it was all my fault and he had no involvement in creation of the baby, we never talked for a week after that. Mostly on my part, I discussed the situation with my younger sister who was a godsend and she was the reason I told my mum

After telling my mum and doing a pregnancy test to show her I wasn’t lying and I’m 100% pregnant,

I sat down with my boyfriend and his mum, things didn’t go as planned and she kicked off calling me a trapper and a whore but never once said anything to her son. She must of forgot creating a baby takes two.

My boyfriend never believed I was pregnant and I had to prove it to him but a home pregnancy test was no good, I had to do one in a sexual health clinic so he knows it was true.The trust in our relationship was gone after two simple words “I’m pregnant”

After sitting in the room with a lady and talking about my choices I asked myself again how did I end up here?

Yet another positive test , the lady called my boyfriend in to the room and there it was that look again, the disappointment over his face, later that night we talked things over about what are we going to do, he was no help “do what you think is best, I love you no matter what”

A week later I went to the abortion clinic as they scanned me to tell me how far gone I was, I laid there and thought how did I end up here?. After being told “the baby” already had a strong healthy heart I couldn’t go threw with the abortion, I called my boyfriend to tell him.

A few weeks later I had my first hospital scan

11 weeks & 4 days still there with a beating heart, a week later I had to go back for a 12 week and 4 day scan to get all the tests done, heart beat still going strong,

A few months past I started looking forward to being a young mum and buying all baby bits for my little baby,

Started feeling  movements and I couldn’t wait to meet my bundle of joy but then came the Gender scan 

I had plans in my head for my beautiful baby girl,

  • Her name
  • What bows to get her
  • How to dress her
  • What shoes and socks will match the pretty little dresses

And loads of other plans for my beautiful girl

“It’s a boy” with three words my beautiful daughter had died and I couldn’t do anything about it, I watched her fade away with three simple words

I wasn’t sure what words hurt more

“It’s a boy or I’m pregnant ”

I’m a mother of a son… noise with dirt and grass on, My boyfriend sat there with a huge smile but I wanted to cry.

While everyone I know who was pregnant was having pretty little girls I am the mother of son.

Weeks past I never brought any boy bits, I couldn’t bring myself to it, I would walk past the boys and into the girls section and stand there looking at all the pretty dresses thinking how pretty my daughter would look in them but that day will never comeHow did I end up here ?.

I booked in for a 4d scan to see the baby in hope that my hospital scan was wrong or his willy has fell off, hoping that seeing the babies face will make me feel better and I will love the baby that I wish I got rid off

Three days before my 4d scan my boyfriend was arrested for dangerous driving *but that’s another story*

I went to my 4d scan on my own no friends or family

” your son is breech” two things I never wanted to hear , his 100% a boy & his breech. C-section here I come.

36 weeks and I had another hospital scan

“Your son is still breech” c-section here I am

28/03/2017 at 11.50am I had my son via c-section

Everyone says everything I felt, the shame the disappointment would fade as soon as I hold him but it never and his nearly 10 weeks and the disappointment is still here

I hate changing his nappies and seeing his willy,I look at all my friends baby girls and wonder what my daughter would look like.

I take him to see his dad every week and everyone comments on how beautiful and cute he looks but I don’t see it. As I sit in the visiting room I wonder how did I end up here?.

Visiting prison with a baby isn’t how I wished my life to go.

As I write this my son lays next to me fast asleep with not a care in the world

I hope the “bond”comes one day

As a “single”mum who has done everything by herself while her boyfriend is in prison I can’t help but think to myself;

How did I end up here???


Author: mummysworld2017

18 year olds mother of a son born 28/03/2017

4 thoughts on “How did I end up here?”

  1. I’m so sorry I can’t give you any words of wisdom from experience but I just want to say keep going! You are doing an amazing thing by raising a baby and I’m sure the bond will come, it will just take time. You’re very brave to share your story on here. Stay positive x


  2. Your honesty is so brave and raw. Bonds take time, neither of you are flawed, just normal. One day you will look at your son and see him as your one true love, your perfect boy. People talk a lot about post partum depression but depression can occur during pregnancy as well. I hope you can be as honest with your doctor as you were here. You deserve happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words, after months of hiding how I feel I went to my doctors & I can honestly say it has done the world of good, and I honestly say I’m so happy I have my son he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning x

      Liked by 1 person

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