Noise with dirt on

I would love to sit here and say the gender disappointment has gone but it really hasn’t,

I still struggle on saying the words my son…

I still stand in the girls section and feel my heart breaking all over again like the day I found out I won’t be having a girl.

The jealousy creeps in when you see everyone you knowing having girls and you know in your heart and soul your little girl would of been dressed so much prettier than how they dress there’s.

My other halves uncle & wife are due a baby girl in a few weeks time and although I should feel happy for them as it has took 10 years for them to have a baby and so many rounds of failed ivf i can’t help but feel the jealousy they get to have a daughter and I’m here with a boy

I get compliments on how I dress my child all the time and I should feel greatful that people like how his dressed but I always think in the back of my mind as I smile a say thanks “if his was a girl I would get so many more compliments on how lovely she looks”

I always dreamed about having the matching mother and daughter outfits, 

If one more persons tells me there always next time I may go insane, as this is someone answer for when you say you hate the fact you are the mother of a boy, I have a son not a daughter, I will spend my days cleaning dirt not glitter,

Instead of playing dress up I will be getting footballs out of trees, while everyone I know will be sitting in dance class I’ll be in the boxing ring, as my boyfriend and his family are old fashioned traveller men and women they all believe my child should act like a man he must do boyish things like football and boxing… so think of me while I’m standing in the rain watching 22 boys kick a ball on a field while you can sit in dance class or go shopping for pretty little outfits. Think of me when you take your girl to get her ears pierced I shall be choosing another pair of football boots or boxing gloves, think of me when you first by a pair of princess heels and a dolly.

Think of me,

I always get told there’s always next time but after finding out my other half will be locked up for 10 years ( all because he was in a car with his stupid friend ) ( hopefully the appeal can see his not guilty ) I don’t think there will be a next time.

It is just me and my child for the next few years & I can’t help but think things would of been better if he was a girl, as the bond would be there,

Will this feeling ever go away, will I ever love my son ? 


you are under arrest

When i heard the word “handcuffs” i would think of fifty shades of grey, not police handcuffs.

i got the call early december to be told my boyfriend was in hospital.My heart dropped and my head was all over  the place, how am i going to cope without him.

three hours after getting the call that told me he was hospital i called all   the local hospitals “no-one under that name here ” i finally got hold of him in a hospital miles away but am not allowed to speak to him, i was finally told he had been arrested for dangerous driving, while drunk and in a stolen car…

He was in hospital as the driver had crashed into a wall while drunk and my boyfriend had come crashing out of the car and hit the wall while the driver was untouched,lucky no-one was seriously hurt.

a month later after getting the call i finally found what prison he was being held in and had to wait another 3 weeks to be able to book a visit to see him. after two months of not seeing my boyfriend i didnt know what to say to him, i was so angry he got himself into this mess while i was pregnant 

did he not care about me or our child??

i would visit him every week right up utill i had our son, after having our son i had to wait a while before seeing him again as i had a c-section and i was unable to walk for a while, i also had to wait for my son to be put on  the visiting list,

after my son was put on the list i visit him every week twice a week,

prison is no place for a newborn but who am i to stop a father and son from seeing each other.

his court date is coming up next week and i sit her wondering how will things turn out, will we be a family or am i going to be visiting prisons for a while longer,

i shall stand by him no matter the outcome.

to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.