Nights in

I never got the big 18th birthday party, I was pregnant, the best I got was meal to Nando’s( as that would the only meal out I could actually keep down ).Completely different to the huge party I have been planning since I was 16.

Me and the girls all planned to go hide out festival, Ibiza and all the other summer party’s but that never happened.

I haven’t actually had my first clubbing experience,

While all my friends are out having fun in clubs and pubs and in the party islands 

I’m at home with a baby, I could get a baby sitter and go out for the night but no-one asks me anymore, I always get the oh we would of asked you but we didn’t know if you could get a baby sitter…

I lay in bed while my child is asleep watching everyone’s snapchat/Instagram stories of them out and having fun, in the mornings I will see the photos from the night before. I lay here and wish I got an abortion, I wish I lived my life a little, I wish I got to make memories, my life was over before it even began. 

I wanna go out and see the world but what when I remember how good it felt to only worry about myself and no-one else, what if I remember what it was like not to make bottles and change nappies? 

I went out once to the pub only down the road I could still see my house from one of the windows of the pub, I cried when it was time to go home to my life of looking after a child.

Maybe one day I will go out again but the real question is will I return home ?

Noise with dirt on

I would love to sit here and say the gender disappointment has gone but it really hasn’t,

I still struggle on saying the words my son…

I still stand in the girls section and feel my heart breaking all over again like the day I found out I won’t be having a girl.

The jealousy creeps in when you see everyone you knowing having girls and you know in your heart and soul your little girl would of been dressed so much prettier than how they dress there’s.

My other halves uncle & wife are due a baby girl in a few weeks time and although I should feel happy for them as it has took 10 years for them to have a baby and so many rounds of failed ivf i can’t help but feel the jealousy they get to have a daughter and I’m here with a boy

I get compliments on how I dress my child all the time and I should feel greatful that people like how his dressed but I always think in the back of my mind as I smile a say thanks “if his was a girl I would get so many more compliments on how lovely she looks”

I always dreamed about having the matching mother and daughter outfits, 

If one more persons tells me there always next time I may go insane, as this is someone answer for when you say you hate the fact you are the mother of a boy, I have a son not a daughter, I will spend my days cleaning dirt not glitter,

Instead of playing dress up I will be getting footballs out of trees, while everyone I know will be sitting in dance class I’ll be in the boxing ring, as my boyfriend and his family are old fashioned traveller men and women they all believe my child should act like a man he must do boyish things like football and boxing… so think of me while I’m standing in the rain watching 22 boys kick a ball on a field while you can sit in dance class or go shopping for pretty little outfits. Think of me when you take your girl to get her ears pierced I shall be choosing another pair of football boots or boxing gloves, think of me when you first by a pair of princess heels and a dolly.

Think of me,

I always get told there’s always next time but after finding out my other half will be locked up for 10 years ( all because he was in a car with his stupid friend ) ( hopefully the appeal can see his not guilty ) I don’t think there will be a next time.

It is just me and my child for the next few years & I can’t help but think things would of been better if he was a girl, as the bond would be there,

Will this feeling ever go away, will I ever love my son ? 

Dear monster in law

Dear monster in law;

I know I’m not married to your son but I might as well be, I am the one who he goes to when he needs fixed. I am the one that holds him when he can not hold himself, I visit him every week come rain or shine.

He is and will always be my love, I may not be the person who you thought he would want to be with but well here I am.

During my pregnancy you slated me to everyone calling me every name under the sun, telling everyone I need a DNA test as that child is not your sons, I’m a trapper and I’m this and I’m that. The list can go on and on of the horrible things you said

Now I’ve had my baby and his beautiful, and the double of your son, you go round telling everyone, oh don’t he look like my boy, that girl is a bitch she won’t let me see him, I’ve brought this and that for him, I just wanna see my grandson.

Because of you I’ve got people telling me to let you see my child and I’m being unfair, but wasn’t you the one who told me to get rid of him and said you would throw me down the stairs?

Your son wants you to see our baby but I’m the one that has to give up my pride and go to a woman that caused me so much stress in my pregnancy, unfair right? 

I am the one who will have to sit with a woman who has said all of these horrible things to me , to make her and my boyfriend happy ? But what about me does it not matter if I am happy?

My son is 11 weeks you have not once messaged me to ask me can you meet him, you want me to do the running?

Nor has any of your family members messaged me to see my son, but you all run around telling everyone that I’m a bitch for not letting you see my child 

After all of you screaming you won’t have anything to do with him, that he is not your family and you will not accept him , what has changed? What made you change your mind? 

Gender disappointment 

The question everyone wants to an answer to “what do you want a boy or a girl” every single pregnant woman must reply back with ” I don’t mind as long as baby is healthy” 

What we don’t actually tell people is we have a gender in our heads from the moment we find out we’re pregnant 

We have their clothes picked out, along with the name and all other things

I am one of ten mothers that will get “gender disappointment” and god forgive if you tell anyone about it 

  • Be happy you can have children

  • His healthy that’s all that matters

  • His dads happy to have a son

  • Stop feeling so ungrateful  

The worst one is ” but that’s not a real thing how can anyone be disappointed in a gender of a baby ”

I felt like I needed to tell my story of gender disappointment for others struggling with no-one to talk to because ” your ungrateful ” you are not alone and it is a real thing that should be talked about more !

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️

My baby wasn’t planned but I came to terms with becoming a young mum. Once I came to terms with being pregnant I longed for a little girl with bows & dresses.

Her name was picked and I would not wait to meet my princess.

All the old wives was telling me girl, everything I was given was for a girl but one lady gave me a photo frame ( birthday boy my 1st birthday) I guess that was a sign out of everything pink and pretty there was a blue photo frame looking me dead in the eye.

When people would look at my bump and say”mmm I guess it’s going to be a boy” I would scream and tell them there wrong it’s a little girl but oh how I was wrong

My boyfriend said from day one he wants a little boy, I would laugh and say nope gonna have a little princess

When the 20 week scan came I was outside the room adding little dresses into my shopping basket I must of had 1000 bows and socks with bows to match ready to go once I had confirmation she’s a little girl, they still wait in my basket.

I heard my name be called as I walked into the room I heard my boyfriend say I bet his a boy, shut up don’t be stupid,

My mum and his aunt waited outside I heard them both say I bet it’s a boy. 

As I lay waiting for the lady to tell me I’m having a girl she asked us what we hoped for without thinking I said a little girl and my boyfriend said a boy

As the scan went on I lay there wondering what my daughter would look like.

“Aw look at his little face” the lady said but she tried to say she said this.

She then went to scan in between the legs and there it was it legs wide open with a little willy… ” it’s a boy” 

My boyfriends face lit up with a huge smile, I wanted to cry.

Once out of the room my mum and his aunt were dying to know what we was having

I walked off I didn’t wanna tell anyone I was the mother of a son…

After that everyone took my boyfriend to the pub to celebrate him getting his son… but what about me ? What do I have to celebrate? My daughter is dead, 

My mum, nan and little sister took me shopping to buy little boy outfits, but I didn’t wanna see blue I wanted pink, I stood and cried in the girls area & walked out the shop, I didn’t wanna buy anything blue, my son doesn’t own anything blue till this day.

The joy I finally got in my pregnancy was gone with three words”it’s a boy” 

Everyone asked for a scan photo on facebook 

Stupid me put ” can’t wait to find out if it’s gonna be pink or blue” three hours before hand 

I had planned for a gender reveal balloon to be done at my baby shower but my baby shower never happened I didn’t want anyone knowing I am the mother of a son.

I posted a photo on facebook instead, with no words just a photo of the babies face

Roll on the come on what are you having comments 

My boyfriends sister posted it all over facebook she’s getting a nephew… great everyone now knows I am the mother of a son…

While everyone I know is pregnant or had little girls I am stuck with a son 

People say you can always try again but what if it’s another boy? No-one thinks about that one.
I would like to say it will past and it gets easier but for me it hasn’t 

I hate the fact I am the mother of a son 

I am not a mother

if i had a pound for every time someone told me any of the following i would be rich

  • “You had a c-section it doesn’t count”  your not a mum you had a c-section, “your just jealous you had a c-section and i had natural, “you took the easy way out”

people remind me daily i have not given birth,

if you asked me at 24 weeks pregnant what my birth plan was it was 100% not to have a c-section, i had my heart set on a water birth, oh how i wanted a water birth

to be told at 28 weeks my baby is breech i knew the c-section was coming

the ugly scar that will be with me for life now just so i could bring life into the world.

so this post goes out to all the women that say i am not a mother because of my scar and that i took the easy way out,

the easy way is natural while i was in a hospital bed unable to walk or deal to my baby as i couldn’t get out of bed to deal with baby many of my friends who have had natural were out of hospital in the park and walking around,

while natural moan that it hurts to pee for a few days, it hurt to stand for two weeks, while natural lose the baby weight in days mine is there 10 weeks on, while natural you are healed in a few weeks you no longer hurt, my scar still plays me up 10 weeks on,

Tell me about your bond ? I bet it’s amazing because my bond hasn’t come yet , while natural mothers say the bond was there straight away mine was not.

My scar is not hid about, it is there for all to see

It still hurts to sit up some days 

But I am not a mother for I haven’t actually gave birth 

How did I end up here?

At seventeen I found out I was going to be a mum.I remember seeing two lines on the pregnancy test.

Everyone says that moment when you see them two lines you wanna sing with joy and them two simple words “I’m pregnant ” mean the world to you

But them two simple words never meant the world to me, they meant my life was over

I locked myself in the toilet and cried and asking myself how did I end up here ? Until someone came knocking asking what’s wrong

“Oh it’s nothing” but it wasn’t nothing, it was something, something I never wanted to do for another ten years

A month past and I told no-one, I put it to the back of my mind, out of sight out of mind right?, I made myself believe it was all a dream or just a missed period , I would google “what can a missed period mean other than pregnancy”
10 positive tests later, I guessed I had to come to terms with the fact I’m pregnant, but after weeks of telling myself I’m not it was hard facing facts

After weeks of hiding the fact I’m pregnant I told my boyfriend, his face said it all the dreaded look of disappointment, like it was all my fault and he had no involvement in creation of the baby, we never talked for a week after that. Mostly on my part, I discussed the situation with my younger sister who was a godsend and she was the reason I told my mum

After telling my mum and doing a pregnancy test to show her I wasn’t lying and I’m 100% pregnant,

I sat down with my boyfriend and his mum, things didn’t go as planned and she kicked off calling me a trapper and a whore but never once said anything to her son. She must of forgot creating a baby takes two.

My boyfriend never believed I was pregnant and I had to prove it to him but a home pregnancy test was no good, I had to do one in a sexual health clinic so he knows it was true.The trust in our relationship was gone after two simple words “I’m pregnant”

After sitting in the room with a lady and talking about my choices I asked myself again how did I end up here?

Yet another positive test , the lady called my boyfriend in to the room and there it was that look again, the disappointment over his face, later that night we talked things over about what are we going to do, he was no help “do what you think is best, I love you no matter what”

A week later I went to the abortion clinic as they scanned me to tell me how far gone I was, I laid there and thought how did I end up here?. After being told “the baby” already had a strong healthy heart I couldn’t go threw with the abortion, I called my boyfriend to tell him.

A few weeks later I had my first hospital scan

11 weeks & 4 days still there with a beating heart, a week later I had to go back for a 12 week and 4 day scan to get all the tests done, heart beat still going strong,

A few months past I started looking forward to being a young mum and buying all baby bits for my little baby,

Started feeling  movements and I couldn’t wait to meet my bundle of joy but then came the Gender scan 

I had plans in my head for my beautiful baby girl,

  • Her name
  • What bows to get her
  • How to dress her
  • What shoes and socks will match the pretty little dresses

And loads of other plans for my beautiful girl

“It’s a boy” with three words my beautiful daughter had died and I couldn’t do anything about it, I watched her fade away with three simple words

I wasn’t sure what words hurt more

“It’s a boy or I’m pregnant ”

I’m a mother of a son… noise with dirt and grass on, My boyfriend sat there with a huge smile but I wanted to cry.

While everyone I know who was pregnant was having pretty little girls I am the mother of son.

Weeks past I never brought any boy bits, I couldn’t bring myself to it, I would walk past the boys and into the girls section and stand there looking at all the pretty dresses thinking how pretty my daughter would look in them but that day will never comeHow did I end up here ?.

I booked in for a 4d scan to see the baby in hope that my hospital scan was wrong or his willy has fell off, hoping that seeing the babies face will make me feel better and I will love the baby that I wish I got rid off

Three days before my 4d scan my boyfriend was arrested for dangerous driving *but that’s another story*

I went to my 4d scan on my own no friends or family

” your son is breech” two things I never wanted to hear , his 100% a boy & his breech. C-section here I come.

36 weeks and I had another hospital scan

“Your son is still breech” c-section here I am

28/03/2017 at 11.50am I had my son via c-section

Everyone says everything I felt, the shame the disappointment would fade as soon as I hold him but it never and his nearly 10 weeks and the disappointment is still here

I hate changing his nappies and seeing his willy,I look at all my friends baby girls and wonder what my daughter would look like.

I take him to see his dad every week and everyone comments on how beautiful and cute he looks but I don’t see it. As I sit in the visiting room I wonder how did I end up here?.

Visiting prison with a baby isn’t how I wished my life to go.

As I write this my son lays next to me fast asleep with not a care in the world

I hope the “bond”comes one day

As a “single”mum who has done everything by herself while her boyfriend is in prison I can’t help but think to myself;

How did I end up here???