Nights in

I never got the big 18th birthday party, I was pregnant, the best I got was meal to Nando’s( as that would the only meal out I could actually keep down ).Completely different to the huge party I have been planning since I was 16.

Me and the girls all planned to go hide out festival, Ibiza and all the other summer party’s but that never happened.

I haven’t actually had my first clubbing experience,

While all my friends are out having fun in clubs and pubs and in the party islands 

I’m at home with a baby, I could get a baby sitter and go out for the night but no-one asks me anymore, I always get the oh we would of asked you but we didn’t know if you could get a baby sitter…

I lay in bed while my child is asleep watching everyone’s snapchat/Instagram stories of them out and having fun, in the mornings I will see the photos from the night before. I lay here and wish I got an abortion, I wish I lived my life a little, I wish I got to make memories, my life was over before it even began. 

I wanna go out and see the world but what when I remember how good it felt to only worry about myself and no-one else, what if I remember what it was like not to make bottles and change nappies? 

I went out once to the pub only down the road I could still see my house from one of the windows of the pub, I cried when it was time to go home to my life of looking after a child.

Maybe one day I will go out again but the real question is will I return home ?

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Noise with dirt on

I would love to sit here and say the gender disappointment has gone but it really hasn’t,

I still struggle on saying the words my son…

I still stand in the girls section and feel my heart breaking all over again like the day I found out I won’t be having a girl.

The jealousy creeps in when you see everyone you knowing having girls and you know in your heart and soul your little girl would of been dressed so much prettier than how they dress there’s.

My other halves uncle & wife are due a baby girl in a few weeks time and although I should feel happy for them as it has took 10 years for them to have a baby and so many rounds of failed ivf i can’t help but feel the jealousy they get to have a daughter and I’m here with a boy

I get compliments on how I dress my child all the time and I should feel greatful that people like how his dressed but I always think in the back of my mind as I smile a say thanks “if his was a girl I would get so many more compliments on how lovely she looks”

I always dreamed about having the matching mother and daughter outfits, 

If one more persons tells me there always next time I may go insane, as this is someone answer for when you say you hate the fact you are the mother of a boy, I have a son not a daughter, I will spend my days cleaning dirt not glitter,

Instead of playing dress up I will be getting footballs out of trees, while everyone I know will be sitting in dance class I’ll be in the boxing ring, as my boyfriend and his family are old fashioned traveller men and women they all believe my child should act like a man he must do boyish things like football and boxing… so think of me while I’m standing in the rain watching 22 boys kick a ball on a field while you can sit in dance class or go shopping for pretty little outfits. Think of me when you take your girl to get her ears pierced I shall be choosing another pair of football boots or boxing gloves, think of me when you first by a pair of princess heels and a dolly.

Think of me,

I always get told there’s always next time but after finding out my other half will be locked up for 10 years ( all because he was in a car with his stupid friend ) ( hopefully the appeal can see his not guilty ) I don’t think there will be a next time.

It is just me and my child for the next few years & I can’t help but think things would of been better if he was a girl, as the bond would be there,

Will this feeling ever go away, will I ever love my son ?